It all started when my work buddy (the same dude that suggested I become a dudeist priest in the first place) talked me into playing on a pool league at a local country western bar. There was this young guy on our team and after consuming several Jagermeisters together while waiting for our next game, we became fast friends. Months after the league had ended with me vowing to never play in a pool league at a country and western bar EVER again, I got a call from this guy’s fiancé. They had decided to tie the knot and wanted this dude perform the ceremony. I have to say that I was a little surprised by the offer and went on to explain that although I would love to perform the ceremony for them, the truth is I had never done anything like this before. She told me that all they wanted was a short, simple, non-denominational ceremony and that they both thought I would be wonderful at it. I told her I’d do a little research and get back to her with a couple of pre-written ceremonies that she could choose from and she could make any changes she liked to the wording. I emailed several possibilities and she replied back that the first one was perfect and besides substituting the names, no changes were needed. I told her that I would start memorizing the ceremony and to let me know when they set the date for the wedding rehearsal. She wrote back to explain that they weren’t planning a traditional rehearsal, but if I’d be willing to show up a little early on the day of the wedding, everyone would be there and we could go over it prior to the ceremony.
On the blessed day, my Amazingly Supportive Girlfriend and I arrived early as planned. I was wearing my white 501’s and a Mexican wedding shirt, trying to look as priestly as possible. The first problem was that we knew absolutely no one. The bride and groom were nowhere to be found and my buddy from work was running late and wouldn’t be there until just before the ceremony was scheduled to begin. After about 45 minutes of standing there looking stupid while everyone was trying to figure out who the idiot all dressed in white was, I decided to start asking around as to the location of the bride. Eventually, I located the mother of the bride, so I explained to her that I would be performing the ceremony and needed to speak to the bride. Her mother very nicely informed me that there had been some wardrobe and hairstyling malfunctions, but that she would let the bride know that I had arrived and would get me in to see her as soon as possible. That was the last I saw of that woman until I heard the DJ begin the wedding march.
I assumed my place at the altar and decided to stick to the script and hope for the best. As the bride walked toward me escorted by her father, I still didn’t realize that the ceremony I was about to perform didn’t include the part where I would ask “Who gives this Woman?” I stuck to my script like a champ, but it became increasingly apparent that something was not right due to the fact that the bride was making bizarre facial expressions trying to get me to recognize that her father was still standing next to her and looking very uncomfortable. I knew by then it was too late in the ceremony to go back and luckily, by the time we got to the I Do’s, the father of the bride had retreated to a neutral position just behind the happy couple. After it was all over, I felt as if I had ruined this couple’s wedding day, but the bride was very sweet and made a point to come over and thank me for performing such a wonderful ceremony.
Now a word for my dear friends who have asked me to perform their wedding ceremony: This dude would be honored to officiate at your wedding, but after reading this, just keep in mind there’s still time to hire a professional.