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BrokeDick Mountain

4/30/2018

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WARNING!!! To all men or anyone who identifies as male of any species:
The story you are about to read is an extremely graphic depiction of actual events, that once read, may be impossible to unread. Consider yourself warned.
When it comes to the pursuit of the opposite sex, the two things that I have going for me are a little bit of charm and a whole bunch of persistence. In my opinion, what I might lack in porn star stature, I more than make up for in enthusiasm. I remember one particular evening when I was on my A game and Vlad the Impaler was performing like a champ. I got so cocky (pardon the pun) that I decided to go for the full drawback, but before I realized that I had drawn back too far, it was too late and poor Mr. Happy slammed head first into a brick wall (so to speak). Now I didn’t actually witness the impact, but according to the forensic evidence, Magic Johnson had bent to at least a 90 degree angle.
I think it goes without saying that I finished the job that evening, (quitting is for quitters) but the next morning was a very different a story. As I pulled Little Walter out to perform his morning business, I noticed two large blood blisters, one on each side of his neck and then after his business had begun, a burning pain started to grow. This was quite disturbing first thing in the morning and although I am not a big fan of most penises, I do have a very close and loving relationship with my own so I immediately got on the phone to schedule an emergency appointment with an urologist to find out if there was anything that could be done to save My Little Friend.
After a quick inspection of the damaged zone, the good doctor paused for quite a while and then said in a very unprofessional tone, “I’ve never seen anything like this before. Would you mind if I bring in my partner to take a look?”  Had I known that his partner would be followed by every nurse in the office and a large group of medical students, I might have declined. After everyone had touched, poked and discussed possible treatment plans, the general consensus was to try high doses of Vitamin E and see what happened. Believe it or not, after about two weeks, the pain and the blood blisters were gone and Tiny Dancer was back in fighting form.
Almost a year to the day later, I woke up one morning with my usual Morning Wood, but I felt an excruciating pain coming from down under, as if my flesh was being ripped apart. By this time, I had relocated to a new city and so I had to go through the whole explanation and inspection process with a new urologist and his staff. This time the doctor explained to me that the damage that had been done a year ago had now turned into scar tissue. He went on to say that a possible treatment would be to surgically remove the scar tissue, but that the procedure typically created its own scar tissue. To which I replied, “What else you got, Doc?” After thinking about it for a while, he said we could try high doses of Vitamin E to try and dissolve the scar tissue. After about two months, the scar tissue (don’t ask me how I know) was completely gone and I’m happy to report that Free Willy is still going strong, albeit a little more cautious with his backswing these days.
It’s like I always say: Don’t cross the river Dude, if you can’t swim the tide.
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    About Wali,
    The Grateful Dude

    In my formative years, I was lucky enough to attend an amazing high school modeled after the freedom school from the Billie Jack films. The curriculum included outdoor education, pottery and organic farming and emphasized values like creativity, self awareness and a strong sense of community. I spent several summers traveling from show to show with The Grateful Dead and found that not only could I beat the crap out of a plastic bucket in a drum circle, I was also quite the imported beer salesman. My early career started off in the eighties driving limousine for posers, drug dealers and wannabe rock stars in Los Angeles. In the late eighties, I was introduced to the former owner of Paradise Lakes Nudist Resort who had just seduced and proposed to my roommate while she was on vacation in Florida. Fred took me aside one afternoon  and told me, “I like you, kid and since I’m taking your roommate and I’m pretty sure you can’t afford this beach rental on your own, why not come on out to Florida? I’ll find you a place to stay, give you a job and you’ll be surrounded by naked women”. So I loaded up my truck and moved to Paradise. Lakes, that is. Swimmin’ pools. Porno stars. (insert banjo solo here).

    I wake up every morning (well almost every morning) knowing that today is a wonderful gift to be unwrapped and explored. I believe that every day is filled with limitless possibilities and endless abundance. I’m convinced that our true purpose in life is to interact with our fellow beings and give witness to this amazing universe that surrounds us.

    If you are searching for miracles in life, you need go no farther than your backyard to realize that we are living in the midst of the greatest miracle of all.

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